OH DEER

OH DEER

I have been trying to capture a shot of our resident deer – at least one – but of course they’re being elusive now. However, my friend John took  pictures when he was living here and I have those to share.

Doe with yearling

Above is the photo of our lower field where they nestle down in the long grass at night. If you trek down the hill you can see their imprints where they have snoozed the night before and the well worn pathways they consistently follow.  And if you look closely you can see the red shouldered hawk on his favorite perch, looking for small rodents below.  It was just from this angle two seasons ago that I watched the most miraculous birth below the bigger tree to the right.  It was just a chance glance as I walked past the window but some inner instinct made me stop and stare. And stare!  The doe was – no she couldn’t be – yes she was – depositing a baby fawn right then and there.  I grabbed the binoculars to be sure and by then she was licking it and nudging it into the tall grass where now I could see a second head, the first twin.

Does usually give birth to twins unless they’re first time moms.   One year we had a doe that we called “The Bad Mother” because one of her twins was pathetically small and crippled and she tended to shove it away when it tried to nuzzle up to her.  I’m sure she, in the wisdom of Mother Nature, knew best because the poor little thing was not destined to live and however much we grieved, she knew it best to let it slip away rather than prolong its existence.  It was a heartbreaker.

Our favorite twins were most likely born just below our lower driveway, although we didn’t witness that event.  But that was their “safe spot” where they would lay curled up while Mom went grazing during the day.  When I was out in the garden I could see their long ears twitching just above the grass.  And it remained their home base for a long time as we watched them grow and even return as yearlings and then as big boys.   They had distinct personalities and even different coloration.  We named them Biff and Buffy.  Buffy was creamy-tan and seemingly tolerant of other deer.

Biff, as the name suggests, was feisty, had a dark streak down his entire back and first and foremost had “attitude!”

I watched him once as a yearling, enjoying some rose cuttings I had thrown down on the compost pile when two big bucks arrived.  Buffy gave way to the big boys immediately, but Biff never stopped eating and even positioned his small body so it blocked their way to the treats.  And even as they tried to muscle in, he held his ground.

I became so comfortable around the two that they hardly took notice if I was out in their midst.  The does would jump away if I got too close, but Buffy would be placid and Biff would just stand and look at me.  Once I was kneeling down in the drive and when I looked up I noticed that Biff had a piece of wire wrapped around one antler.  He was standing close enough that the thought went through my mind that I could probably reach out and pick it off  for him. But something, some inner voice stopped me, and I’m glad I listened to that voice because just the next week I read in the paper about the number of people in California who have been gored to death in their yards.

I did see the fury and force unleashed once on a silly turkey that insistently gobbled and chased the deer. It became a game until the day that one big buck had had enough and it was shocking, swift and fatal.

It’s been probably seven years since they were fawns, and bucks because of all the jousting and stress during October mating season, live relatively short lives I’m told.  But every fall when the bucks are most evident, we look at markings and watch their attitude and wonder if it could possibly be our Biff or Buffy.

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CELEBRATION

CELEBRATION

Noelle was here for four days and we packed everything that couldn’t wait until the last moment.  At times it seemed insurmountable. At times it threatened to bring us to our knees.  At times I couldn’t begin to see the end of it all. At times I felt too exhausted to continue. But she persevered and helped me to get it done.  I’m now counting over a hundred boxes.

But when all that work was done and before her departure, we took time for a special celebration, just the two of us.  The spreading of ashes is always a momentous moment, fraught with disparate emotions.  It seems so solemn and final on the one hand, yet there is a giving-up and returning which is strangely liberating.

When my son, Kevin, died, we divided his ashes between the two of us and also many of his friends. In that way he was taken back to New York where he had lived and worked and to Long Beach where he was born and raised and parts beyond.  I remember having a call from one of his best friends who was telling me about taking Kevin to the mission at Santa Barbara and  down to his favorite place at the river and the beach at Carpenteria, and at the point when she said she was going to take him to Paris the next month, I suddenly realized that she was not reminiscing  about past trips but about the places she was scattering his ashes. I thought that sounded wonderful and knew how much he would have loved it. Especially Paris.

For Noelle and I the definite moment was strange and sad and funny and put it all into perspective.  After scattering Kevin’s ashes in Long Beach at the pier, we eventually had the opportunity to return to Big Sur where he had lived and worked so long ago.  Our first stop was at Pfeiffer Beach where it is often windy in the afternoon.  And as we walked out onto that spectacular scene and began to toss the ashes toward the oncoming waves, the wind blew them back  – into our hair and eyes, onto our coats, every which way but the direction they were thrown.  So we took the balance and went to Nepenthe where he had worked in the 70’s and sat in what the locals called “the dirty corner” of the bar and had a martini for Kevin.  And in what might pass for true irreverence but seemed suddenly in keeping with the moment, we also dusted the plant in the corner and the terrace where I have pictures of him dancing at the Sign Party and all around the magnificent Phoenix sculpture, which seemed most significant.

When Mom died this past year, we took her ashes to North Dakota and had a lovely memorial ceremony and sprinkled them on my dad’s grave.  We will also take her to Long Beach, as to her wishes, where she came as a bride and thought she’d “died and gone to heaven”.

But yesterday, Noelle and I took a portion and spread them around her daffodils going up the hill.  The daffodils are finished with their bloom for the year, but she so loved to sit in her chair here at Castenada Lane and look out at the profuse yellow blossoms.  We sprinkled the ashes up the hill and placed her two bunnies on the stump in their midst.

Then we took the ashes of my Lyra Deara, alien child/cat who spent her last year with us here at Castenada Lane and buried them under the Fairy Rose.

I know that the spreading of the ashes is meant to be the final goodby to the physical part of our loved ones, but I have kept just a little bit of Kevin in a yellow bag which is held by our old teddy bear, and a tiny bit of Lyra in a hummingbird box and the last of Mom’s ashes in her old cloisonné canister.  In celebration.

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NEIGHBORS

It seems that our society in general is becoming more and more un-neighborly and that is really not a criticism given the nature of life’s pace today. But it is ironic that as we get more “friends” online and tweet our way into relationships (well, not me), we have less and less time for over-the-fence communication.

When I was growing up, the neighborhood was the world. And this in Long Beach, California which, even then was not a small city.  As I remember there were no houses that were out of bounds. There was an open door policy that meant if you were out playing and fell off your skooter and skinned your knee, you would just pop into Mrs. Mack’s for a band-aid if she was the closest.  And  chances are she had a giant ginger cookie to salve the wound and sent you home with a bunch of her famous “dinner plate” Dahlias.  And if you were across the street at lunch time – no problem, you were fed without question or need for checking first with home base. And most likely the Moms (who were probably not working it is true) would be coffee klatching each week and exchanging recipes along with the neighborhood news.  Sounds like an idyllic bit of Americana, I know.  But really, in many ways it was.

The kids of our neighborhood all played together regardless of age differences whether it was dodge ball or Statue Maker or mixing mysterious concoctions in the vacant lot.  We were just the neighborhood gang and if we were putting on a backyard extravaganza the five year olds and the sevens and the nines all had a part.  Though I usually wrote the play! And directed! I admit.

The adults were not always having dinner parties, but they definitely had each other’s backs.  And they pretty much knew everything about each other.  And could count without question that we were all safer, happier and better off because we were a neighborhood. In the summer we played long after dark in the street and up and down the bluffs above the Pacific Ocean because some adult was always watching out for us. That would have been unthinkable even in my children’s time and definitely would not be happening today.

I’m sure that much of the solidarity was a sign of the times. It was the Great War, as it is now called, and just after, and it brought about, along with the very bad and terrible happenings in the world, a time of standing together and yes, a sense of pride in ourselves and determination to persevere and so a neighborhood was just a smaller version of the country.

Robert and I have actually had good neighbors in many places.  There was Billy in Portland who mowed our lawn as well as his and when questioned about his motive (was he giving us a message?) simply said that he noticed that Robert was really busy and it was so easy for him to just keep going as long as he was doing his lawn.  And a whole group of downtown merchants and “new comers” in Ferndale who gave new meaning to the word “pot luck”.  And neighbors in Long Beach who truly became great friends.

On Castenada Lane we REALLY lucked out. And you can see from the happy countenance and general revelry that we are definitely “of a kind”.  And I can say from the heart, that just as in my youth, we are not always having dinner parties, but we definitely have had each other’s backs and could count without question that we were safer, happier and better off because we were neighbors.

Appetizers on the deck

Noelle joins the six of us in Donna's fabulous iris garden

A toast to the Minnesota Move

More revelry and sad farewells

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PACKING

Noelle and I have now packed 61 boxes and counting, and I could not, would not, have been an upright, sane, fully functioning human being without her help.  I am still suffering from overwhelm and a tiredness beyond belief, but I can see the end now.

One small corner of one room!

With each box there always seems to be a little pocket or a long side gap left over so that you have to run around the house looking for an object “just that dimension” in order not to waste a precious inch.  And as you get down towards this “getting to the end” it gets harder and harder to come up with proper stuffing material.  At first I tried to be very systematic and logical and had only “often used vases” in one and “back-up homeopathic remedies” in another.  Something like that.  But of course life’s possessions don’t catagorize themselves neatly into 12” by 12” by 16” dimensions.

So now I’ll have to be somewhat of a detective once we get to Mt. Faith, and if my favorite Fargo t-shirt is stuffed into the gap with the parts to the Kitchen Aid mixer, and the rolling pin is in a box marked “Journals 1976-1990” – oh well.  It will all be a surprise.

And as the eventual recipient, Noelle was able to be tough about weeding out the dross and giving her stamp of approval to an occasional heave-ho.  And we were able to laugh at the old memories and appreciate better than anyone the history we were packing.

The greatest delight was coming across Grandma Marie’s white silk scarf, the one she always wore just under the collar of her grey wool coat.  Noelle picked it up with great sentimentality and instinctively held it up to her face and took a deep breath and, wonder of wonders,  discovered the lovely scent of her powder,  the one in the small round flower-covered box with the small puff, the one we can see like it was yesterday but not remember the name.  Grandma died at the age of 91 in 1972 and after all this time, almost 40 years, it was as if she was  there in the room with us. And maybe she was.

The scarf will be going home with Noelle.

I just wish Noelle would be “going home” with me. I’m going to keep reminding her of good memories we shared so that she comes to visit as often as possible.

Noelle and I - Johnson Family Reunion, North Dakota 2008

Caught in the Storm Hayride!

Even the babies are getting drenched!

Johnson Family Fun and Hi-Jinx!

Robert (with chair) happy to give up the Hi-Jinx!

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FAREWELL

Last Christmas 2010, Castenada Lane

My daughter, Noelle is coming today to help with the packing.  It will be bittersweet for the two of us.  There will be no more opportunities to jump into the car and drive the few hours from southern to central California. It will be up to Allegiant Airlines to keep up the low fares from LAX to Fargo.  And flying seems so daunting these days.  But here we are last Christmas, the last family Christmas at Castenada Lane, with Noelle and I imbibing and Robert, of course, cooking and the meatballs and lingonberries and lefsa almost ready to be served.

For now, time to spend just being a Mom and back to being the Snowbird in a few days.  Stay tuned.

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MOVE-MENT

Geologically Frozen in Time at Yellowstone

MOVE-MENT

Something major about packing all one’s belongings is that you end up awash in memories.  I am unearthing the strangest things – like the list entitled “Our Plant Family” which was drawn up by my son Kevin, most likely at the age of 10 or thereabouts. It includes the names of 34 houseplants which gives you an idea of what a frustrated gardener does in an apartment and  incorporates the “naming fetish” which he obviously got from me.  The list includes “Living Room Residents” such as Theodora Fern, Molly Baby Tears, and Bonnie Prince Creeping Charlie.  And “Dining Room Inhabitants” such as Little Pig Robinson Piggyback, and Charlemagne Schefflera and Camille (who was obviously sickly at the time). And the “Kitchen Boarders” – Opal String of Pearls and Bacchus Grape Ivy along with their “Balcony Friends” – Titania Faery Rose and Yen Chinese Money Tree.  And so on.

I know I’m going much too slowly for this packing task and only because I am compelled to stop and read. But sometimes I turn up something of note that gives me a boost and seems to be speaking directly to the trauma and task at hand. Tossing papers alternately into the trash and into a “take” box, I came upon a class paper I once wrote entitled “Points of Crisis”.  Now there’s a timely topic!

One of the issues I addressed so long ago was the fact that I am eternally grateful to my parents for endowing me with the genetic propensity for SERATONIN.  From both sides!  Robert is really jealous.  And that is not to suggest that he swings to the opposite “depressive” side. Not at all. It is merely because he especially likes to be around happy people.

Everyone has problems and stress issues, but people who tend to “depression” must have a harder time I think, because depression is a condition of inactivity – being “stuck”, shutting down.  And while people with high levels of seratonin have just as much stress and their own points of crisis,  they tend to  react with “activity” – whether its endless ruminating and worry,  pacing,  the proverbial wringing of hands, all manner of anxiety. Well, that’s me.

And my two-bit philosophy in this class paper suggests for what it’s worth,  that its easier in the long run to deal with points of crisis when there is movement. And before I get pummeled by some philosophy or psychology major, think of an object in flight.  One little nudge will get it moving and propel it quickly in another direction and with far greater ease than if the object was stationary and “stuck”.  So with conflict (as in Moving Madness) I think I maybe suffer just as much as the next guy, and so I have to admit that I am most fortunate to have a traveling companion who always gives me the exactly right nudge and,  thank you Jennings and Harriet, I’m wringing my hands and pacing, I think, into some good resolutions.

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HAPPINESS

In the packing, I’ve discovered a treasure trove of old pictures.

Think about it. There are specific moments frozen in time when, for whatever reason, you felt such simple happiness that just the evocation of the image makes you laugh.  For whatever reason. Unexplainable. Maybe silly and seemingly unconsequential. But you can call on it.  And remember.

1975 on Uncle Arnold's Case at Henry and the Nelson Girls - Comstock, MN.

And then there are images which are always in your heart and completely explainable  and make you feel blessed.

Noelle Christiana

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THE SKATE

On a trip back to North Dakota/Minnesota in the early 1970’s, my Uncle Earl took me up into the attic of my grandparents home in Hickson, N.D. and gave me two things.  One was a stuffed deer’s head which had most likely been shot by our grandfather, John Johnson (born Johannes Arent Johannesen) and used in two generations of hi-jinx.  It seems that uncles and cousins at various times had traditionally used that very head to sneak around and scare people through windows.  Boys stuff, I know, but Johannesen boy stuff is like that. I was honored to take the historical head back to California where it hung proudly on my wall for many years.  And I use the past tense because of the tragedy which still plays upon my heart, for when I stored possessions at the time of an Oregon move, the stag was THROWN AWAY by a person in charge of the goods and without my permission or knowledge because the deer was deemed to have “bugs”.

He just threw away my heritage.  Our heritage – because it was many years later that I was able to admit to my cousins that I had lost that piece of our past.  And that was a humbling and difficult admission.

The other item from the attic was one skate which was carved and used by our great-grandfather Jorgan Jacob Johannesen.  I don’t know where or how the other skate was lost to history, but I have clung with reverence and tenacity to the last of my keepsakes.

Jorgan Jacob Johannesen"s skate

I have never understood just why my Uncle Earl would have bequeathed those two historical pieces to me.  After all, I am the second of fifteen cousins and he had four children of his own.  And beyond all that – I was “just a girl” in keeping of a boy’s piece of hi-jinx and women’s lib aside,  wouldn’t I have felt slighted if he gave, for instance, Grandma Pauline’s china doll to Chuck?

All these years I have wondered if it had been a momentary whim or if he had known what was deeply in my heart. I can’t ask him that question now, but somehow I suspect that he knew that as the cousin out in California, longing to be with family, and as the little girl who lost her own father far too soon, I was the one who needed them the most, who longed for roots and familial stomping grounds.

It is with some irony, then, that just as we are packing and preparing to return to that place, I hear of a plan to divert the Red River of the North  in order to stop the flooding in the northern cities, right across those sacred spots and “re-locate” the Larger Keepsakes – the house and granary, the fields and hi-jinx locales, the neighbors and neighborhood, everything that says roots and familial stomping ground.  What would Great Grandpa Jorgan think of that?

Johnson "town" house, Hickson, N.D. - now Aunt Lil's

Johnson granary, now a residence, Hickson, N.D. - MY DREAM HOME!

We know all he went through to create those memories for the rest of us. We know that he had a fishery in Haukanes, Norway which was destroyed in a huge storm.  And that he literally picked up the boards that were strewn and left in the wake and built himself a trunk which he packed with as many personal belongings as possible  and left for America.  We know that he managed to purchase a pair of Oxen (Spot and Pope- or most likely “Punkt” and whatever Pope is in Norse-speak) and a wagon and a cow and made his way across the new land and all the way to Pleasant Township in 1870.

Painting of Jorgan Johannesen by Orabel Thortvedt

We know too, that at first he lived in a dugout in the ground next to the Red River of the North and skied all the way to Alexandria, Minnesota for supplies.

Red River of the North by the Johannesen homesite

And that he  married Elin Arent, the neighbor’s daughter, built a house, fathered four children, two of whom died before their time of pneumonia, endured and persevered and endured some more.  Just like all the mighty pioneers of that beautiful harsh land.

Jorgan Jacob Johannesen and Elin Iverine Arent, 1876

New House, homesteading in Pleasant Township

Jorgan and Elin with Randine, Johannes (Grandpa John), Johanna and Emilia 1882

We’re taking the skate back to its roots and when we get there I’ll undoubtedly join the fight to preserve the stomping grounds – to find another flood solution rather than swamp our heritage.  There’s a toughness and a tenacity left in the line of Jorgan Johannesen I suspect, and in the descendents of all the many families who make up the lineage of the town of Hickson, North Dakota. One can be sure, we won’t give this one an easy pass.

Treking to the homestead

The homestead house outside of Hickson, North Dakota

Debbie, Noelle and Bruce at their grandfather's pump, Chuck hiding.

View of Hickson across the field from the homestead

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ANOTHER RESPITE

Today I’m crying “Uncle” and in the sense that I GIVE UP for today –  the packing troll has won and I am done.  Exhausted.  Finished.  A wreck.  And in another sense I could use an “Uncle Ernie”, that familial drink with the two 7’s in the mix but I’m settling for a pinot grigio.  “ARG” as Cosmo would say – I’m too old for this.

Today besides the packing, I power washed the garden shed and cleaned up the bone meal which was a favorite treat for some nighttime marauder, as well as weeding the bank below the stone wall and shredding umpteen pieces of probably worthless bank legacy until the shredder decided too, to call it a day.

In the light of a true respite, I’m offering my first Iris, a miniature called Cherry Tart. How sweet is that.

Cherry Tart

And the second of which I’ve forgotten the name – I’m guessing – Cherry Smoke, Australian Garnets, or Persian Berry.  Maybe Gingerbread Girl.  You be the judge.

And when I weeded the lower wall this morning I noticed a lone splash of white among the grape vines and it was the first Sombreuil!  Just look at this creamy climber.  It is spectacular.  Some rosarians say it is from 1850 and others say – “no, no it has a mysterious past, we don’t really know where it began.”

Sombreuil

Souvenir de la Malmaison is in tribute to the very garden that Napoleon gave to his Empress Josephine who was one of the first fanatic rose enthusiasts.  Tonight she sits in the window with Somabreuil.  What a pretty picture.

And the Mutabilis (“Tipo Ideale”, or R. turkistanica) – another with mysterious origins, but a china rose which produces single blowsy, butterfly shaped flowers of honey-yellow, orange and red – all together!

The Many Colored Mutabilis

Mutabilis With Skull

I’m capturing each rose as it blooms this season – for remembrance.

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LADY ASTOR

Mom was fond of telling the tale of how she came to California from Minnesota as a bride and “saw the palm trees and the mountains and the ocean and thought she’d died and gone to heaven.”  And then there was the remembrance about teaching school in Rustad, Minnesota in the early 1930’s and “making $65 a month and buying a fur coat and going to the world’s fair in Chicago.”  Imagine that.  She also described the coat as having a “Fitch collar” and so we always teased her about the Fitch collar without really knowing what that meant.  I assumed that she didn’t actually mean she had a full-length mink, but she had a stylish but perfectly nice wool coat with a fur collar.  And Fitch I believed,  must have been a style of the times, named after a place or person – like an Eton jacket, or Nehru for that matter.  So Fitch was probably a celebrity of the moment.

It occurred to me to do a bit of google and wikipedia on Fitch after all these years, so imagine my surprise when I just discovered that Fitch is ……..POLECAT!  Yes.  Polecat.  She was so proud of her polecat coat.  A polecat in my recollection is something of a smelly, nasty animal who hangs out in swamps.  And indeed, I read that it is larger than a weasel but smaller than an otter and related to ferrets.  And yes, they are accused of having an unpleasant musky odor and their fur is called “fitch” or “foul mart”.  It was indeed the lower priced fur of the 19th century and so just perfect for the young teacher who makes $65 a month and goes on a trip with her chums to the World’s Fair.

To be fair, the subject of the following declaration – “Why you dirty, lowdown, lying ……..” was also considered an important part of the fur market and even showed up in a print by Gustav Klimt entitled “Polecat Fur” which shows an equally stylish portrait not unlike the one of Harriet.

And she was always stylish.

Yes, we always went to Tijuana - here with Jennings

Another of her favorite aphorisms was – “I’m famous for my sweaters and earrings”.  And of course, if she had amended that to begin – “In our family …….”,  it would certainly have been the God given truth. So you can see why she was confounded by having an only daughter who simply wasn’t the fashionista that she was.  When she was 97 she was still admonishing me to put on makeup and earrings.  And when that didn’t work she would trot out something like – “Noelle and I think you need more color”, as if I might take heed if there were two against one.  But she adhered to her principles to the end, always wearing at least three rings and feeling positively naked without her earrings.

Rings, Sweaters, Earrings, White Zinfandel!

Grandma Marie often called her daughter Harrietta and almost always referred to her as Lady Astor.  So that’s what we called her too.

Front page of 90th Birthday Book by Kevin Harris

You can imagine why Jennings Johnson from Hickson, North Dakota took one look at her at a softball game (she was the catcher) and told his father – “That’s the girl I’m going to marry!”

Harriet Sylvia Pederson Johnson, 1928

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